Feeling Like a Fraud (…tho’ It’s Not Necessarily True)

I feel like I can’t even write this. Er, type. Type this.

I’ve been going pretty steady the last several days with morning motivational videos on Instagram (https://instagram.com/phazonmedia).

I’ve been pretty pumped about setting up and pursuing goals.

But today…today, man, I’m just tired.

I feel like I’m caught somewhere between who I want to be and who I don’t, and if that’s a spectrum, I’m much closer to who I don’t want to be. Someone who is impatient, demanding, selfish and self-centered.

People would say, “But, Cliff! I know you! You’re nothing like that!”

Well, to those folks I say, you’ve only ever seen from the outside-in.

Now, I don’t think I’m getting into self-loathing here; I’m just trying to be honest, to be transparent.

I’ve drunk the Gary Vee kool-aid, and the man is an inspiration. I’ve been trying to document everyday (hence the moto videos (though, I guess, those really aren’t documenting, per se, but they are at least a way of starting to put out content)), but I’m still not happy with where I am, because, I think I’m still not clear enough on my goals with myself.

And another thing he preaches about is being real, being authentic – hence this blog. Shoots, the first of its kind – on my business site. Is that wise or unwise? Hell if I know.

Good thing is, I’ve been through this experience enough to know these feelings will pass.

You start off on something new, something you want to sustain, there’s going to be a point of muscle failure. It takes work, practice, and dedication to get better, to get stronger at something. In this case, today, I didn’t know what else to do except draft up this blog. And even though it’s not what I planned to do, it’s still something I wan’t doing yesterday.

Will I continue to do this on the reg? I….think so. With some degree of regularity. This has been quite refreshing.

I miss typing, composing thoughts, seeing revelations occur in the process of just trying to process thoughts and feelings.

I miss the rhythm of my fingers and hands hovering over the keyboard, piecing together each word, clause, and sentence as the ethereal and ambiguous is captured in the form and function of language.

Hey, thanks for reading! I hope this speaks to you on some level.

Let me know what you think, or tell me about something you’re struggling or have struggled with. That’s life, and that’s what makes the sweet stuff worth it.

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